JANUARY 14, 2021 Jesus fuckin' Christ! I think I'm doing the right thing. If I'm unsure, I just keep my mouth shut. That's how I've always been. You'd think that would be okay. I have no fucking idea how to handle this news, so I just sit on it. And meanwhile, I have so many other things rushing around at me. Declan doesn't want to convert the house to a rental property. He wants to keep it in the family. Thinks that I'm a fucking nutjob for not wanting to live there. Nevermind the fact that I've been trying. I spent Tuesday night there and I couldn't sleep a fucking wink. Which really bode well for going on shift Wednesday. And then Thursday because Jenkins needed Thursday off and agreed to work my Friday. I fucking hate when she's mad at me. How could she think that I would trivialize him like that? I'm so scared for both of them and, of course, I can't tell her that. I can't tell her that I'm terrified of even talking about it because I'm afraid I'm going to jinx them. I can't say anything because my fear doesn't even start to compare to hers. She's the one that went through it, while I watched and tried hard to be there for her. I screwed up. I know that I got lost my head for a couple of days and I let time get away from me. It's not an excuse but sometimes I just can't. I love seeing them so happy together and I love the fact that they're having a baby together. I picked a hell of a time to try and conquer old demons while simultaneously putting myself out there. Only to get shut down in the most embarassing way possible. Fuck! Fuck this. It's time for bed.